I am feeling like I am in the midst of a crisis right now because my emotions are so incredibly overwhelming. I have considered calling a local crisis hotline, just to have someone to talk to. The thing is.. I am too embarrassed to call.. or worried about anonymity. Let me state CLEARLY that I am NOT a threat for self-harm or suicide. That is not why I have considered calling a crisis line. I really am just that desperate to "cry it out" or talk to someone.. because I feel like I have no one. I recognize and acknowledge that I have poor coping skills. I have always had poor coping skills. I am working to correct that.
What makes things worse is, at this particular time, I am 8 months pregnant.
So, yes, I have the whole pregnancy hormone thing going on... but I also think I am feeling a strong urge to "fix" my marriage before the baby gets here. Problem is... we've been married nearly 8 years. We've ALWAYS had communication issues and I know I'm not going to fix things overnight... or on my own. I get that. But I'm floundering.. desperately trying to rid my relationship of discord singlehandedly, because I have a spouse who refuses to accept he has any problems.
With that.... let me delve into the issue(s) at hand...
My husband has Tourette's Syndrome. He's not got the stereotypical verbal tics you see on t.v. Rather, he has guttural throat-clearing tics, he pushes in his own stomach rather forcefully, and looks out the corners of his eyes frequently (in a repetitive manner). I have known about his Tourette's since before we married, so it's not something new. With the Tourette's my husband has some of the OCD characteristics which is often synonymous with the disorder, as well as ADD. He has not been medicated since he was a child. He refuses to be medicated. He refuses to go to counseling.
I can't find resources on being married to someone with Tourette's. All of the Tourette's support forums I've found online are outdated, with most recent posts in 2004/2005. That isn't helpful.
I want to understand if and how my husbands disorders factor in to his behavior in our relationship. I'm sure some people would tell me I'm just looking for excuses to validate or justify his behavior... but I genuinely want to understand my husband so we can make a better home for our child by strengthening our marriage. I'm not trying to change him. I'm trying to get to know him on a whole different level.
That said.. MY issues..... are really yet to be determined. I have some characteristics of several disorders. If I go through the DSM-IV-TR, I can relate to several maladaptive behaviors categorized in several mood and personality disorders. However, I have never been diagnosed with anything other than depression and anxiety due to an Adjustment Disorder, and I don't intend to seek out a diagnosis for myself on this forum. I just don't want to portray myself as the wife who fails to see her own shortcomings and is blaming everything on her husband's disorders. That is truly not the case. I am working on myself. I hope that counts for something.
Here are SOME of the key issues in my marriage, in bulleted form for easier reading:
- Miscommunication (or none at all)
- Arguments that quickly escalate
- Blaming
- Avoidance
My husband
- Tells me there is nothing wrong with him, all our problems stem from me
- Tells me there is nothing to "fix" in our relationship except myself
- Tells me I am crazy and in need of help, then mocks me, ridicules me or refuses to pay when I seek counseling (I've tried therapy 6 times in 8 years and I am always forced to stop going by his bullish behavior)
- Refuses to go to couples therapy
- Is verbally abusive and uses profanity, name-calling, and sarcasm in arguments
- Shuts me out with the "silent treatment" for days on end (even when he is in the wrong)
- Turns situations around so I look like the bad guy... when his behavior prompted a reaction from me in the first place (see example below)
- Expects me to play a traditional female role in the house and take care of everything (this is a new development)
- Doesn't help around the house unless things get REALLY bad and I throw a fit (i.e. bugs in garbage b/c he won't take it out, toilet so dirty it makes me vomit, laundry piles all over the floor, etc.)
- Spends HOURS a day in the bathroom with his laptop (yes, looking at porn 90% of the time)
- Stays up all night sometimes and refuses to come to bed with me so he can look at porn
- Lies to me about porn usage
- Uses financial abuse (I think?)... Threatens that my debit cards won't work if I leave after a fight, yells at me because I haven't paid bills (which I can't do b/c there is no money), then when I pay the bills, I get yelled at because I didn't ask him first. (A no-win)
- Leaves me stranded at home all day with no car, no food & sometimes no household goods like toilet paper (we have one and it's in my name but he pays for it)
- Makes me feel stupid, when I am the one who is college-educated (discounts my ideas, opinions)
- Is generally disrespectful
- Is controlling (though he says I am the one who is controlling)
- Refuses to let me take anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds (throws them away, tells me to fix myself)
- Is a bully (badgers me until I break down)
- Puts on a very gentlemanly facade for others, treats others with utmost respect
- Can't control his temper (I will ask him calmly to stop yelling.. he says "if you piss me off this is what you're gonna get")
- Turns situations around on me... tells me I'm making things up that I know I'm not
- Forgets important dates/ ignores them (NEVER buys me birthday gifts)
- Discounts my feelings
- Withholds affection & sex (rejects my attempts to reconcile)
- NEVER apologizes unless I force him to
- Makes me think I really am crazy (crazy-making behavior, yep I've read about it!)
My Deficits (because I don't want this to look one-sided, I acknowledge I am imperfect)
- I am overly emotional and cry easily
- I ruminate about things and can't let them go (play an argument over and over in my head looking for answers or torturing myself, not sure which)
- I think I am codependent (this is difficult to admit)
- I am not able to articulate thoughts clearly in an argument, for this reason I feel backed in a corner and react emotionally because I feel I can't "compete" with my husband
- I make passive-agressive comments about my husband to others- I can't control the urge to "call him out" when he has wronged me... it's a covert way of "getting back at him" for being mean
- I think I might emasculate my husband at times, though not intentionally
- I have a tendency to nag, because things never get done
- I can't let go of past hurt and it frequently comes back up in arguments
- I don't trust easily, and I have a tendency to be a bit paranoid (of course, I justify such behavior)
- I check my husband's e-mail when we argue (Desperately want to stop this behavior!)
- I am jealous (he's nice to other women & they think he's a saint but treats me like crap in private)
- I have told my husband "I'm done" and "I don't want to be with you" in anger, then begged forgiveness numerous times
- I have resorted to name-calling and yelling to try to hold my own in an argument. It doesn't work
- I have turned to his parents for help (mistake!) because I have no one else to turn to
- I tend to self-medicate with prescription pills or alcohol (NOT AT THIS TIME B/C I AM PREGNANT!)
- I have poor coping skills, and often cry hysterically when we argue, making me look like the crazy one
O.k. This is getting really long... and I KNOW my list of deficits for myself is shorter than the problems I've identified with my husband but I have to stop somewhere.
The current issue stems from my being pregnant, on modified bed rest, and feeling like my husband is an inconsiderate ass. He doesn't clean the house but yells at me if I do something to make things less disgusting in here. He keeps threatening to tell my doctor I'm not being compliant w/ bed rest because I get up and do things. In reality, I AM allowed to do some minor things around the house and I probably shouldn't do some things... but he will just let garbage pile up on the counters rather than empty the trash can and put in a new bag. It's so gross. He hasn't done a single dish, leaves me without food in the fridge and no way for me to order things, and then yells at me if I so much as bend over the wrong way. I've let it get REALLY bad in here before I have to take things into my own hands and do the dishes. He'll let them pile up in the sink, stinking with food on them for up to three weeks. I know because that's the longest I was able to go without jumping in to do them myself. It's just not sanitary not to mention we had nothing to eat off of!
Bed rest hasn't been easy for me physically or emotionally. I'm used to doing things for myself. He comes home from work and does NOTHING. He'll go into the bathroom for 1-2 hours with his computer then ask me what we're doing for dinner. He shuts me out emotionally. He is withdrawn from me.
Before I was pregnant we had a VERY active sex life. I've been on PELVIC REST along w/ the bed rest for 13 weeks. That means no sex, no orgasm. It's been harder on ME than him. He just retreats into his own little world of porn and "jerk off encouragement" videos I found on his computer and doesn't want or need any kind of intimacy with me at all. Not even kissing, cuddling, or just holding me. It's quite devastating. He even refuses my advances when I try to offer him other types of pleasure... He pushes me away and says he's not into it, he's busy, or some other excuse. I feel rejected.
I'm almost to the point where I can come off of the pelvic rest (just 2 more weeks). We've been given permission to "play" by my OB. So last night, I was all excited for him to come home... even got my 8-month pregnant self shaved, oiled up and then all dolled up and waited for him to get home from work so I could pounce him....
He never came home. He never called. He didn't answer the phone when I called him... He didn't respond to e-mails. Nothing.
I sat on the couch (crying) for three hours because I had no idea where he was, who he was with, whether he was in trouble or hurt or dead... or what was going on. I was really excited to see my husband and THOUGHT we had decided to have a date night. He was a no-show. I started to think the worst...
I called his mom to see if she'd heard from him (she hadn't). I didn't want to panic her.. but I was a little worried and concerned and thought maybe they'd talked. All hell broke loose as soon as I called her. I DID NOT ask her to do this but his mom drove to my house, picked me up, and we went to his work out of concern. His car was still there but he wasn't inside. We saw a co-worker's car next to his... and I knew immediately he had to be at a pub down the street. We should've stopped there. I even said we should leave.. but his mom insisted we go look at the pub. Sure enough, there was my husband with his co-worker (a male) having drinks.
I tried to remain calm... asked him why he didn't call, told him I was at home (pregnant) waiting on him to come home so we could go have dinner... He said he didn't need to call... and started coming up with excuses and I just said "O.k., whatever" and left to avoid a scene. His mom stayed and talked to him... then brought him outside to talk to me in her car. He proceeded to turn the situation around on me. He said I was crazy for thinking we had plans and that I was just making that up in my head. He said that "anyone with half a brain would've figured out that I went out with the guys after work when I didn't come home". Sure, b/c I'm a mind reader, right?
He proceeded to scream at me (in front of his mother, who did nothing to defend me), I started bawling... then my husband got out of the car and went back into his work building... his mom took me home... and my husband didn't come home until 12:30 in the morning, reeking of alcohol. He went right to sleep and slept like a baby.
I stayed up all night stressing about this (real healthy for a pregnant woman) and eventually slept on the couch for a few hours. It's now been 24 hours and he refuses to speak to me. HE is angry at ME.
What he DID tell me when I told him "sorry for coming to the restaurant", "please can we talk so we can fix this" was... "I'm pissed at you for way more than just that" and "there is nothing to fix except you". He says he doesn't have to call when he isn't coming home, that sometimes he might just not come home for 3 or 4 hours and he doesn't owe me an explanation- that's life.
He left in a rage about 2 hours ago (the length of time I've been typing, I guess) and probably won't be home all night... where he'll come home and ignore me. My desire to "fix" things is overwhelming. I just want him to hold me, to be loving toward me. I'm carrying his child and due in just 7 weeks. How can he be so cold and insensitive? Or, AM I CRAZY for expecting my 35-year-old husband to call home if he plans to be out for several hours? I mean.. he had a sit-down dinner with a friend and several drinks afterward and I ate cereal and fruit for dinner and cried myself to sleep.
Sorry this is so long. I guess I don't have a specific question... but just need input. I KNOW we have a maladaptive pattern of communication in our relationship. I'm not necessarily looking to place blame.. but to work toward an active solution. What can I do to fix myself that will make my marriage better? I do not want a divorce. I love my husband.
If anyone has the heart to respond, I am grateful. If not, it was at least helpful for me to type it all out.
Thanks for "listening".
the giver march 30 rimm george h w bush pauly d project faith hill autism
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